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Posted January 22, 2016 by MikeD in featured

“The Loft” is a gut-busting, laugh a minute riot… oh, and it’s an erotic thriller

Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, Karl Urban, Matthias Schoenaerts, and James Marsden.
Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, Karl Urban, Matthias Schoenaerts, and James Marsden.

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Written by: Bart De Pauw and Wesley Strick

Directed by: Erik Van Looy

Starring: Karl Urban, James Marsden, Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, Matthias Schoenaerts, Isabel Lucas, Rachael Taylor, and Rhona Mitra

Being the huge cinephile that I am, one of my favorite things to do with my free time is search out films that I am almost positive I will thoroughly enjoy, watch them, and then write about them. The whole reason I started this site was to put, into writing, the things I was already telling my friends and family about the films I love. I do not call myself a critic. I am just someone who loves movies, and enjoys talking about them. Therefor, typically, when I am looking for a film to watch I try to avoid ones that I can see myself despising. For the most part, I dislike writing negative reviews (with the rare exception of course), and feel a little bad when I do.

Then there is the other side of me. The side that, very rarely, seeks out a film that I have heard nothing but hatred for. A film so bad that I feel no remorse whatsoever, when I inevitably tear it to shreds. “The Loft” is one such film.

I will keep the synopsis short and sweet. A group of rich friends (Karl Urban, James Marsden, Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, and Matthias Schoenaerts) decide to go in together on a… you guessed it… loft. The idea is that they will be able to use the loft for various affairs, keeping it hidden from their watchful wives. The misogynist fantasy is brought to a crashing halt though when one of the women ends up dead and handcuffed to the bed. And, just like that we have ourselves a good ol’ fashion murder mystery. You know… where there is a new clue around every corner, where you spend the whole film trying to figure out who did it, where the suspense keep you on the edge of your seat! Yeah, this movie has none of that… Nor does it have one ounce of eroticism.

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What it does have are some pretty decent actors, turning in horrible performances as unlikable characters, thanks in part to a god awful script. There is nobody to route for in this movie. The men are all pigs, the wives are all straight out of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”, and the side women are all blonde, rail thin, prostitutes. The only one with even a trace of redeemable quality is James Marsden’s Chris, but that too becomes just another thing you loathe about just another character. With nobody to care about, the plot quickly becomes unimportant and watching the mess that is this movie becomes an act of proving one’s pain threshold to themselves.

Really, the only thing of value in this film is the hilarity that comes from lines delivered in moments of what is supposed to be suspense. I laughed out loud during “The Loft” more than I did in all but a few comedies that were released last year. There is one scene in particular, where Luke (Miller) and Sarah (Isabel Lucas) are arguing in the rain. Neither of them gets a drop on them, and the “Rain” looks like a crew member is standing off to the side of the shot, with a garden hose, putting his thumb over the end to spray it in the air. It was pure, unintended, comic gold!

If, for some insane reason, you had this queued up on your Netflix instant you should do one of two things: 1) get it the hell off of there or 2) watch it for the immense comedic value (and keep in mind, during your viewing, that this is not the first but second remake of the original Belgian film). Or you could always watch it on “Date night” as a hilarious prank on your special someone. Whatever your decision, I gave you fair warning.




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