31 Days Of Horror: “Satanic” Was Better Left On the Shelf



Title: Satanic [Blu-ray]
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Posted October 10, 2016 by

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Have you ever watched a movie and asked yourself, “How the hell did this get made?” That’s the exact question I found myself muttering throughout the entire viewing of “Satanic”. It should have been a red flag when they advertised it was from the producer of ‘The Walking Dead’ instead of mentioning it’s from the writer of ‘The Shallows’, Anthony Jaswinski, and stars Sarah Hyland from Modern Family, but I ignored that and pressed forward anyway. I wish I hadn’t.

“Satanic” is the story of four friends who are on their way to Coachella (this plot point really doesn’t have anything to do with the movie, yet they mention it a few times) and decide to take a detour to visit true-crime occult sites around Los Angeles instead. When they enter into a small shop that specializes in all things Satan, they have a confrontation with the man behind the counter and decide that following him when he gets off work to see what he is up to is far more interesting than going to that concert they spent a lot of money to attend. They end up tailing him all the way out onto private property and witness him and a group of people about to sacrifice a young woman, Alice (Sophie Dalah), until they yell for the group to stop and then run away as fast as they can. To save me some time from writing out the whole plot, they end up hanging out with Alice and finding out that she’s more into Satan then the group that was trying to kill her. She puts a curse on herself and the whole group, kills herself, and then begins to haunt our cast of uninteresting protagonists.

Aside from a couple of scenes that were more comical than anything else at the end of the film, you wouldn’t have been able to convince me that this movie belonged in the horror genre. Filled with terrible music that plays while the group of friends are doing the most mundane things, constant cut scenes that show the L.A. landscape for no reason, and a plot twist that doesn’t make sense or get explained, “Satanic” is possibly the most boring horror movie I have ever seen. Honestly there are so many scenes in this movie that were so ridiculous that even writing them feels weird: Alice throwing up and peeing herself while doing a seance, Alice dancing in the middle of a room while the four friends sit around and watch in what’s supposed to be a sexy scene but was just uncomfortable, and an entire third act where it feels like everyone making the movie said, “Screw it. Blow it up! Lets just finish this project.”

Why am I writing about such a terrible movie? Because I want to know how it ended up getting made, and why Sarah Hyland agreed to do it, and why Anthony Jaswinski wrote it in the first place, and whether or not his decision to do so was the result of a lost bet or something. There has to be a reason for why this was made into an actual movie that people had to spend actual money on, but I just can’t find out what that reason was. It will remain one of cinema’s great mysteries…or something I forget about right after posting this.





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