31 Days of Horror: “Breeders” (1986)

 

 
Overview
 

Title: Breeders [Blu-ray]
 
Director:
 
Writer:
 
Actors: , , ,
 
Genre: , , ,
 
Rating:
 
Runtime:
 
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Direction
3.0


 
Acting
2.0


 
Plot
2.0


 
Execution
2.0


 
Total Score
2.3


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Posted October 9, 2016 by

 
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You know those movies, that are so bad, so ridiculous, so WTF?! that it seems like the only reason, for their existence, is to be featured on MST3K? Well… there were a lot of those, in the 80s. Hundreds, if not thousands, of straight to video, low-budget, sci-fi/horror films were produced, in the decade of excess. Nearly all of them have been forgotten, by anyone who is not an obsessive horror fanatic, but some of them possess a strange quality of being so bad, that they become hilariously entertaining.

That brings me, to the topic, of this review: porn director Tim Kincaid‘s cult classic “Breeders”. After spending the 70s, and most of the 80s, working in the adult industry, under the name Joe Gage, Kincaid made a handful of these ultra B-movies. “Breeders” , although not the best (that dubious honor would go to “Riot on 42nd Street”), was the most infamous.

breeders-2I guess I have to talk about the “Plot” now huh? Okay here it goes… Basically, a life form, from an alien planet, comes down to earth, to use human females, as a reproductive savior for their race. Bumbling NYPD detective Dale Andriotti (Lance Lewman) and emotionless Dr. Gamble Pace (Teresa Farley) investigate the attacks. That is about it, as far as plot goes. The rest of the film’s 77 minutes run time is basically just semi-attractive women, getting naked for no apparent reason, being attacked by the man-bug-thing, and defending themselves by standing completely still and screaming as loudly as they can.

This might be the worst movie I have ever seen, if it weren’t for two absolutely hilarious scenes. The first features a young model (Frances Raines). When the camera and lighting crew, doing her shoot, decide to take a lunch break, she decides to do a couple lines of coke, disrobe, and do a spontaneous stretching routine (seen below, right). Oh… did I mention she is a virgin? That becomes even more of a surprise, when one cameraman returns for his wallet, and she hardly seems to care that he is seeing her completely nude (although I guess that could be because of the cocaine she just did). breeders-4

The second gut-busting scene is one where a young woman (LeeAnne Baker) is attacked, in her home (again after randomly getting naked while on the phone with her mother), by a thug. She sort of kind of resists, for  second, and then just says “Oh what the hell?”, and lays back on her bed, ready to do her attacker’s bidding. Then, dude is VERY SLOWLY killed, by the alien thing and it’s penis hand. It… is… indescribably bad movie making, but also really funny.

Basically, “Breeders” is a huge, steaming pile of dung. However, if you like bad b-movies, or if you want to get together with some friends, drink a few cold ones, and laugh your asses off it might be right up your alley. I mean… it’s only 77 minutes right? And, at least 20 of them are funny! If nothing alse, you should watch the awesome trailer!

 


MikeD

 


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